Sunday, March 21, 2010

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams, Dreams

The real kind, the hope kind, the one day kind, and the never thought of.

The real kind suck right now. I have nightmares about clients that I just can't get off my desk. I thought the weird pregnancy dreams ended after you know.....birth! They haven't for me yet, and quite frankly have gotten weirder and I remember them more clearly now. Plus my dream telling friend left me for the Rockies in July. Seriously though, I have no idea what they mean, but know it must be work related stress. And work-related stress is not something I am in short suplly of right now.

I had two very humbling experiences in the past two weeks and it was enough to make me question my career choice. I know things happen and I didn't do them on purpose but it goes to show what occurs when you are pressed against deadlines and have a ton to do. The crazy part of the whole thing is, I feel like I must be doing something right because I get more and more responsibilites. Which is good, but I sometimes don't feel I deserve them. I mean, come on, I am the girl that procrastinates taking the exam. I know I am qualified, I know I know the material, and for the most part know why I am doing things, but I don't have those three little letters after my name. That should be motivation enough right? Nope, it scares the crap out of me.

The hope kind.....I can't jinx. Go CATS! If plane tix weren't $1100 and it wasn't tax season, I would be in Salt Lake City before you could say Bobsyouruncle.

The damn CPA exam. When am I going to take it again? Heck, when I am going to schedule a part? Maybe one day when I can string together some zzzz's, study consistently, and not be worried about getting all my work done at work. You know the place that pays the bills and keeps me in constant communication with adults. But see above, that anxiety is enough to put me at a standstill. One day, I will conquer my fears, step up and meet them head on and pass. Just like I did with the ACT that helped pay my way through school.

As a little girl, I never dreamed of being a mom. Whenever the Sibs and I played "house" we were always siblings, typically orphans, that had to care for our younger siblings. Usually pioneers too, as my bro loves a good western. Even when B and I were dating and starting getting serious, we said we didn't want kids. Even after we got married, didn't think so. Plus, I never thought I could have kids so maybe that is why I never let my mind go there. It's ironic too, I think how subconciously I am in tune with my body sometimes. Case in point, I was never afraid of delivery the Kid but I could never picture it in my mind what I thought the experience was going to be like and that is something I usually can do. I even told my doc that I didn't think she was head down and that while I felt kicks and stuff there was no rolling and shifting. Wouldn't you know it, I had a little head wedged against my hip bone that led to hours of pushing and one c-section later. I digress.

Back to my point. I never dreamed of being a mom and most days I don't know what to expect or if I will live up to the challenge. But that little girl is so sweet and so determined, such a exceptionally well mixed version of her dad and I that I can't help but think our decision to have a baby was a good one. She wears me out with her stubborness, amazes me with her determination and cracks my shit up when she knows she has done something funny. The girl loves Lady Antebellum, constantly wants to be moving, but seems to know when its the last two minutes of a ball game and will sit still with me while we finish it out. We hoped we would have a kid that loved music and sports and it looks like playing golf and going to concerts paid off. Sometimes, no dream at all can lead to places you never expected.

Thanks for tuning in today.